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Ask the Golf Guzzler -- No. 12
Dear Guzzler: I am in the military and love to play golf and drink beer. Problem: I play golf with my "superiors" quite often and they drink beer but do not consume as much as I do in a round. How do I drink as much beer as I like without raising their eyebrow's in my direction? I can't just stop playing golf with them because this is a great way to "rub-elbows" with the "boss". HELP!
A: If it were me, I'd begin by trying to get out of the military. A well-timed offer to wash the Captain's balls could do the trick. But that's just me. Assuming you want that military pension, try this. Hammacher Schlemmer's golf club drink dispenser is your answer to the Stealth bomber, holding 48 ounces in top secrecy. When the brass isn't looking, top off your brew with fresh suds. You can drink a six pack and only crack two cans! God bless America, soldier.
Dear Guzzler: I played my first game of golf the other day at the age of 39 and enjoyed it as well as I like beer, and I like beer. But what can I do to improve my game, drink beer as I play?
A: God, yes. You'll always love golf if your remember this: Never confuse your score with your game. Your score may not go down with beer, but your game will definitely improve. Welcome to the world's greatest sport with available cup holders.
Dear Guzzler: Often times when out hitting the links with the boys, we find a moment of pure hilarity where our laughter becomes uncontrollable. Having a low tolerance of pain, can you tell me which American beers are not quite so intense when blown through the nose? Incidentally, I've noticed that following one of these episodes, if you bring up a good loogie and then swallow it with a swig from one of those new ice beers, it leaves quite an enjoyable after taste!
A: Something tells me you were always the last kid picked when the captains chose teams on the playground. Next time you're on the golf course, concentrate on this tip: When you put beer in your mouth, move the muscles in your throat in such a way as to allow the beer to enter the stomach. Until you get good at it, stick to Miller High Life. The lack of beer flavor should be gentle on the sinus cavities. And thanks for the lowdown on loogies. I'll try that right after I ask Jan Stephenson to pull my finger.
Dear Guzzler: I really enjoyed your "insights" into the game of golf! My boyfriend is a golf pro and I can use some of your humor to piss him off. Thanks!
A: Always glad to help piss off a golf pro. Some are fine drinkers, but they take the game way too seriously. You go girl.