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Ask the Golf Guzzler -- No. 27
Dear Guzzler: I've been playing a new game called "low-beer net," wherein a four-man team competes aginst other teams (although individual play is possible). Score is kept by deducting your handicap and the number of beers consumed from your gross score, and then adding all team members' scores together and comparing those against the low-beer net scores of other teams. My question is whether this is an exciting new twist on an old game, or merely a white-male, pot-bellied elitist perversion of an ancient game? I look forward to your insight.
A: It's both. Who says you can't have it all?
Dear Guzzler: How do you keep your beer cold when coolers are not allowed?
A: Here's the technique that works for me. Get yourself a six-pack "sleeve." This is a long, zippered, fabric tube that keeps beverages somewhat cool. Mine is a collectible model featuring Joe Camel. Slip in your cans at their coldest, right before you tee off, then stuff the sleeve into your golf bag's biggest pocket. If necessary, throw away your rain gear to make room. Your brew won't stay ice cold all the way around, but it will be cool enough that mooches will ask if you have any extra.
Dear Guzzler: What's the deal with those ball washers? I played a round last summer where I'd had enough to drink to finally get up the nerve to try using one and got my privates caught up that rotating thing. My buddies thought it was hilarious, but it really hurt.
A: Youch! You made a horrible mistake. Those things are for golf balls. On the bright side, you can hit from the red tees now.
Dear Guzzler: What happens when you play with a bunch of sandbagging railroaders who will only play a money game if they can use their "full handicap"?
A: With me, what usually happens is I go home with nothing in my pockets and I have to tell my wife I got held up outside an ATM.