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Ask the Golf Guzzler -- No. 41
Dear Guzzler: Golf is golf and beer is beer. You should spend your time wisely, instead of making this site. It's people like you that hold up my group everytime I play. Drink after the round -- sizzle lips! Please respond -- I'm waiting......
A: I'll bet you are waiting. For a lot of things.
Dear Guzzler: Where have you been? During the long winter, you couldn't be golfing. So why weren't you splurging forth more wisdom. Surely you can drink and type at the same time.
A: It's been a busy season for ducking process servers and disputing credit card bills. Of course I can drink and type at the same time. I am a professional journalist.
Dear Guzzler: I have a friend that won't drink beer while playing a round. Is he my friend? More importantly, would I be a friend if I introduced him to my ex-wife?
A: That might be a good way to get him drinking.
Dear Guzzler: Recently my buddies and I were waiting when one of us took a practice swing. But he had forgotten to remove his cigarette from his mouth. He burned his arm, danced backwards and kicked over another person's beer. We all agree that there should be a stiff penalty for this, but can't agree on what. Any tips?
A: Burn him again. But good.
Dear Guzzler: We recently played on a course that has little flags on the cart that you tip up if you need a beverage. However, my playing partners always had their flag up so that they could hit on the beverage cart girl. Of course, they were getting nowhere and groups were backing up behind us. In the future how do I prevent this embarrassing situation?
A: Can you really blame them? Either accept their boorish behavior or play with homosexuals. Men, not lesbians.
Dear Guzzler: How come Zima tastes so disgusting, but once I down one, I can't stop guzzlin?
A: Because there is alcohol in those things.
Dear Guzzler: Do you ever tire of being the world's pseudo-authority on alcohol-enhanced spherical impact testing? It seems to me your Whizdom was more clever last year. Do you feel like you're slipping? Any thoughts of going out on top like Jerry Seinfeld?
A: That puts me in mind of the celebrated exchange between George Bernard Shaw and Oscar Wilde. "The Golf Guzzler is like a phonograph with half-a-dozen records," Shaw declared. "Soon you get tired of them all; and yet you have to sit at the table whilst he reels them off to every new visitor." To which Wilde replied, "The only thing worse than being the Golf Guzzler is not being the Golf Guzzler." All in attendance shared a hearty laugh and said, "Very droll, Wilde." Then they copulated with serving wenches and stable boys. I hope that answers your question, Joe.
Dear Guzzler: Guzz, you are a god, sent down from on high to educate and enlighten. As golf season approaches the Michigan area, I will dedicate my first swig to you, oh knowledgable one, so that I might, if only for a fleeting moment, consider myself worthy of being in your foursome.
A: This should convince the highbrows at Sports Illustrated that there is an audience for arrested development. We're the ones who buy the swimsuit edition.
Dear Guzzler: You obviously take drinking beer very seriously, and I respect that. I have three questions for you: 1) How many beers do you estimate you have consumed playing golf? 2) How many DUI's have you received driving home from the course? 3) How may beers can you drill before relieving yourself in the rough?
A: 1.) 4,723; 2.) 0 (knock on wood); 3.) Sometimes I do it in the fairway.
Dear Guzzler: Will my golf game improve by drinking American beer as long as I am playing on an American course?
A: Just don't try to find Scottish beer. They invented golf, but the closest thing those people have to a national dish is a mixture of the minced heart, lungs and liver of a sheep mixed with suet, onions and oatmeal, all boiled up in the stomach of the animal. God knows what they'd drink to wash that down.
Dear Guzzler: When I shank it 4 times in a row the golf pro tells me I will never be good. Why is this guzzler?
A: Probably you suck. But don't let that stop you. The only people who have real fun playing golf are those who accept the fact we'll never be any good. We don't go into a blue rage when we hit a wedge into a pond and we don't spend $400 on a driver to compensate for a small penis.
Dear Guzzler: I shoot in the 60s. For nine holes, of course. I like to use my 2 iron to pitch the ball onto the green. Is that bad?
A: The 2 iron, not necessarily. The 60s, yes.
Dear Guzzler: Dear Guzz, I read your advice on the mesh potato sack on the handle of a handle of a pull cart. Ingenious. But for beer-storage covenience and quantity, I was considering a bucket-o-beer. I don't think a five-gallon bucket will have a steady ride on the handle of a pull cart. Do you spend the extra cash on a riding cart (which could be used for another sixer) or suck it up and lug the damn bucket? Or is there a better way? jake
A: There may be a better way. Friends, this may change your lives. I have come across an invention called the Bogey Bag (slogan: "No coolers on the course? Think again, Mr. Ranger.") It supposedly fits inside a golf bag and keeps 10 beers ice cold for hours. I have no connection to this product but I ordered one for myself. I will give it the rigorous Guzzler Test when it arrives. Stay tuned for a full report.
Dear Guzzler: Last week my golf buddies decided NOT to golf. It seems they had "family" matters. Well, it was my turn to buy the brews. I went anyway and had a very good time with plenty of cold ones on hand. My question is, should I have to buy the suds next time or can I slide and let the next guy in turn buy 'em?
A: Swear to God, this is a true story. My father was playing golf when my mother went into labor to deliver my little brother. She had someone call the course to let him know she was at the hospital. Dad got word at the clubhouse when he finished the front nine. He decided to make the turn and finish his round. Sure, he took wifely abuse, but it was a price he was willing to pay. I say you slide.